The Jack Miller Archive

My discontent went deeper when Jack made a decision to plant a church in Stockton, California. I did not want to be a pastor’s wife. My plan was to be the wife of a professor. I didn’t know how to deal with this new reality.
It was a difficult church plant, and there was not much support for Jack from other pastors in dealing with the problems he faced. With the church occupying his time and attention, plus a fifty-mile commute to the Christian school, Jack had little energy left to help me at home. I missed his support with the children. But above all I missed the sense of God’s presence. I was no longer content.

Keren was born in April 1960. The summers in Stockton were hot—often over 107 degrees. We had no fan, and the refrigerator was too small to hold ice. Then the one dear friend I had in the Dutch community died. Another friend from out of state came to attend the funeral and visit me. It was one of those very hot days. I was sitting in the kitchen, nursing Keren with my sweat dripping down on her forehead. My friend said, “Rose Marie, you shouldn’t have to live this way.”

That did it. I believed the voice from the pit.
Now anger was added to discontent. “She’s right,” I thought. “I should not have to live this way.” Now I could blame someone—my husband. It was all Jack’s fault! I continued to listen to Satan whisper, “Your only hope is to tough it out and do your duty. God will not come through for you. You are a victim of Jack’s decision.”

Even if we don’t believe, God is still faithful. He was so to us. Our children were able to
attend Christian school. They found friends in the neighborhood and in the church. There was a city pool close by where we could swim for free in the hot days of summer.

Every afternoon I walked to a nearby bakery and bought pastry so that I had tea and cake ready when the children came home. I started to read the classics to them. It was a sweet family time. We had no TV, so reading was a great way to connect with them. We had a fun family night every Friday when the children made up plays and acted them out.

Until this time I believed I was in partnership with God: He would provide, and I would believe. Life was simple. But when the direction of my life changed—now a pastor’s wife— and income was insufficient, I lost the sense of partnership. I lost it in anger and rebellion, blaming Jack.

Years later in a quiet moment, when I was reflecting on this time in my life, I sensed God saying quietly, “Rose Marie, I gave you a family. You believed that I would take care of every need, and I did. Then, when I called Jack into ministry, you rebelled at my calling and refused to believe I could be with you in the next stage of your life. This was a time for you to enter more deeply into my plan and you refused. My plan for you and your family is wise and good, and only grief can come when you do not accept and submit to it. Your lack of love for people and your rebellion against me were exposed. But you had such tight control over your life, and you were so sure about how it should work, you didn’t take the time to listen to me.”

Miller, Rose Marie . NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD (Kindle Locations 3168-3257). New Growth Press. Kindle Edition.